Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage – Home – Chicago, Illinois 2021

ave you heard of the latest trend in fitness and wellness? It’s called “Jones BBQ Foot Massage.” You may have seen some of the infomercials on TV. It looks like something that would really enhance a person’s life. The problem with this trend is, do they actually work or is it all just a con?

The basic principle is fairly simple. Some people have busy schedules that leave them little time to get a full-body massage. For these people, regular foot massages can be hard to schedule into their schedule. If they have a partner that works nights or early mornings, getting together for a full-body massage can be difficult to do. In fact, if you’re like most people, even finding time to squeeze it in can be a challenge.

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage

But one day they stumble upon something called “Jones BBQ Foot Massage.” It seems like just the thing to make getting a full foot massage easy. The ads all talk about how good the massage is and how it feels great. They even have testimonials to prove it.

So they hop in the shower and start giving it, hoping it will do all the wonders they were promised. Of course, it doesn’t work, but they don’t give up hope. They keep giving it to themselves and to other people until they find some success. They soon find that they can’t believe how great their feet feel after the massage. freinds They are so happy! So then they decide to tell their friends and family and everyone who might hear about their miracle cure.

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

Soon the masseuse is spreading the word to his friends and family and before they know it their business is booming! So naturally everyone wants a massage like that. Soon enough they are booking for the masseuses services all over town. Some of the people they bring in just cannot resist getting a massage from a masseuse that gives them such joy.


Of course, nothing comes close to the relaxing soak in the Jacuzzi or the total bliss that comes from lying on the couch and watching television. You can buy the latest in electronic massagers for your home. They are becoming more advanced all the time. They even have remote controls so you can massage yourself from the comfort of your own chair. You might think you would have to miss your regular massage therapist if you could have that luxury. It just doesn’t seem possible, does it?

You can make people think it is real and they may even tell their friends. But it is not. When you have a real massage you feel all different parts of your body being worked on. There is no lying or coaxing or forcing. People do it because they want to and most people enjoy it.

The same can be said for how people feel when they have a massage. The way a person feels has a lot to do with whether they think the massage is real or not. If they feel good afterward, then you know it is and if they don’t, then it is not.

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

If it is real, then why do some people love it and some people hate it? That depends on what you ask. Some people love receiving massage and think it is great. Others hate it and consider it very inconvenient. It really depends on the person and why. The important thing is that you don’t judge a book by its cover and you don’t think you know what the inside is like.

One way to find out is by trying out your own by foot massage. That way, you can really know what you are getting yourself into and whether it will live up to your expectations. Of course, you can also find out from friends and family and even read testimonials about someone else’s experience.

One way to really get to know someone is to get them on the phone and have a personal massage. This way, you can talk to them face to face and see if they are comfortable with the whole idea. A lot of people want a real big foot massage but they may feel uncomfortable talking about it. By having the massage done over the phone, you can avoid this problem.

Just be sure to go at the agreed-upon time and place. Make sure you are clear with the massage therapist on what you expect.

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage was a parody skit produced by Robert L. Hines, a Chicago actor and stand up comedian, who played the role of Toby Jones in a number of parody advert skits, where he and his crew -Big Dog Eat Child, are seen advertising this and that.

The group released a number of these ‘fake’ adverts which include, Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage, Jones’ Cheap Ass Prepaid Legal and Daycare Academy, and our favorite: Jones’ Good Ass BBQ And Foot Massage.

The infamous ad starts with a catchy jingle. We see the chef ‘Toby Jones’ in the company of the purple dinosaur and the yellow chicken, advertising bbq and massage in an empty restaurant where he talks about a restaurant where folks can enjoy a meal of bbq, and get their feet massaged at the same time. And, you get to pick what sauce you want to get the message with.

Toby’s bbq spot can fry anything ‘fryable’ and ‘eatable’, and make it ‘deliciously’. He will fry the beak and feathers of the chicken and even candy bars. “If it fits through the door, I’d put it in the fry… We have got fine dinosaur meat.”

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

“I was doing this little coffee house in Naperville and this [sketch comedy group], Big Dog Eat Child, was there. After we met at that coffee house, one of the guys texted me: “Listen. We have a character that we think is really funny but we can’t seem to make him work. Could you do this character for us?”

So they brought me to this warehouse. Weirdest thing I had ever seen. It was people living there. It was a lot of junk in the yard that nobody seems to give a shit about, and there were bands living in this place. This was on, like, 30th and right around Halsted.

So we hammered out the first one which is called Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage Facility. Then, they said, “We got a second one we want to do.” This was Jones’ Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage.”

What happens during a table shower massage?

The table shower and massage are separate. Get the massage first. You’ll be nice and oily. Then the table shower. It is actually a large table, with sides. You’ll be laying down flat, face up, completely naked. You’ll be ‘hand cleaned’ face to feet, although they don’t touch the genitals. Turn over and cleaned neck to feet.

On mine the girl rubbed a finger on my butt hole and made a ‘squeekee’ sound. (E, Ur, E, Ur). After being soaped and rinsed you get off the table, stand up, and the girl dries you off. This is not for shy people. She will see every part of your body, close up. Mine was very professional. She did not make it about sex at all.

We talked and laughed the whole time. I’ve got to be honest. I had recently gone through bladder cancer surgery, which is all done through the genitals. Any pride or dignity I may have had was out the window. A multitude of women, of all ages, had their face in my business. For me, Miss Squeekee was just another pleasant young woman doing her job. OK, it did feel good!

How can you tell if a massage parlor is a legitimate business?

A “ massage parlour” is the loose term used for a brothel. The windows are frosted. The entrances are nondescript with a back door usually in place. The hours are usually much later as in open till midnight. They use gaudy neon lighting and eye-catching signs.

They advertise “ happy hour” and specials right there in the windows. Usually with a marker on cardboard. Both may use sidewalk sandwich boards to advertise. Upon entering there will immediately be an aura of something off. ( if you’re looking for an actual massage!) There may be beaded curtains.

You will hear the hurried click-click of stilettos. The greeter will be wearing something sexy and revealing. A massage therapist would be most likely wearing a white lab type coat and a receptionist behind a desk will greet you.

At a parlour, the girls will line up like cattle if it’s a bigger parlour. At this point, you would then choose one ( or two!) and retreat to either a regular room or for $20–30 more perhaps a themed room. After payment of course. A massage clinic will give you an appointment to come back if no one is available. There will be forms for you to fill out. Possibly a doctor’s referral.

Women and men ( and children) are equally welcomed inside. At a parlour, you may be shocked to see children working there ( some especially foul and evil parlours have kids in the prepubescent age range and young teens – usually female with sometimes one male on call ).

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

At a parlor either it’s all-inclusive at a set rate or you haggle once naked ( always fun!). Women wandering in often elicit panic. Although a few places may still offer their services to them. The massage part isn’t real. They may tickle you. Or make attempts at pinching your back. Or clumsily stomping on you. It is a brothel. It is prostitution.

They may well have massage tables but no certificates or credentials on display. That being said you may luck out and receive a half-ass decent massage by a skilled, strong woman who knows some basic shiatsu moves.

A real massage clinic will ask for a detailed history of your general health and injuries. They will be interested in your pain and discomfort. A massage parlor can make an injury worse as untrained hands attempt to manipulate you for a few minutes as the prerequisite warm-up prior to the sexual activity. A clinic has RMTs and often shares space with other health and wellness practitioners such as chiropractors, TCM specialists, and acupuncturists, as well as physiotherapists.

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage
Jones BBQ and Foot Massage

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

A massage parlour shares space with back alleys, coin-op porno booths and the odd vice squad raid. I’m only semi kidding. You can actually find some parlours wedged between regular businesses. The only sure-fire way to tell if you’ve just walked into a massage parlour or a legit clinic is to ask what health insurance benefits they accept. Now don’t get me wrong.

I have nothing against massage parlours. I think it’s safer for women to ply their trade there rather than on the street. However, remember these women pay the piper. The parlour is a pimp of sorts. And most are gang- run. The employees ( and patrons) run the risk of rival gang warfare. Some have even been bombed and gunfire is routine in some cities.

They have to pay out the management. A significant amount. Some parlors even take their tips. Or forbid them if it’s all-inclusive. Most parlors charge the women to work there even if they had no customers that day. Too bad. Pay up. They actually get reprimanded and fined as if it’s their fault it was a slow day. They still gotta “ tip out”. Sucks huh? To make matters worse some women are victims of sex trafficking and are there against their will, or paying off a “ relocation debt”.

Jones BBQ and Foot Massage Chicago, Illinois 2021

Exploitation and abuse are horrific. Many are addicted to drugs. Yes even in North America the numbers are high for females brought from overseas to work off their debt. The shifts are long and the outcalls( if offered) are dangerous. If you go- by all means, use a condom as they serve on average 2–7 men per day ( each woman). Sheets and towels are often just flipped and smoothed. Even handjobs aren’t clean as hands aren’t always washed between customers and the oil tends to stay on hands.

A massage clinic will typically be clean with clean sheets and towels and disinfectant regularly used. Also, a massage clinic doesn’t offer showers but some parlors do. I know no one wants to hear this stuff. I get it. They want to keep the “ sexiness” and allure intact. Sorry not sorry for poking holes into the not- so – glamourous fantasy perception of massage parlors.

I realize it’s still a needed service for some. It’s a haven for the lonely and sexually frustrated. I also realize this is a long-ass answer but there’s a lot to tell. The sex trade industry ain’t pretty my friends.

Are there any hints to look for that a massage therapist may be willing to get sexual with you by the way she massages you?

Yes, when you first walk in and it is low lighting and you pay only in cash, that’s your first sign. When the massage therapist puts her arm around you and rubs your nipples, that’s another sign. When she takes you to the room and asks where did you find their business and one of the answers is other, she will smile and rub your butt.

She will leave and come back after you stripped down and on the table, she will massage your butt, between your thighs, then you sack. If you moan and enjoy having your ball sack massaged, she will continue. She will then have you roll over and not cover you, but pour warm oil on your penis and ask if you want that area massaged.

of course, I do, but it comes with a cost. If you want to rub her breast while she is rubbing you, that’s extra but worth every penny. She will allow you to rub her butt and her front. After you have an orgasm, she will clean you up with a warm towel and help you get dressed, plus a kiss on your breast. All of this during a 30-minute session.

How can I tell if my masseuse is sending me a signal to make a pass at her?

I was a massage therapist for several years. It is a therapeutic way to relieve pain and stress. It is not uncommon for a man to become aroused during a massage. Unfortunately, they cannot easily hide it. But masseuses are trained to ignore it or move to a neutral area such as the shoulders. Several times I had to have a little talk with the fellow about boundaries. But I never did it in a shaming way. Often a man would say excuse me, this is embarrassing and I would say, no problem, it’s not uncommon, let’s move on.

The chances of a masseuse sending you signals that she desires an intimate relationship with her is a million to one and unprofessional on her part. I have to tell you that this is just a fantasy on your part and not an uncommon one at that. It goes under the heading of Big Surprise, you are being touched and you want sex so you think the person touching you wants sex too. But to her, you are a client and nothing more.

So when you are getting a massage and these thoughts pop into your head just say to yourself, Big Surprise, I am being touched and it makes me think of sex. But this is not an appropriate time, place or person to be thinking those thoughts about. If you find you cannot stop thinking and reacting sexually then you need to find a male masseur.

What do I do when I cum accidentally when having a full body massage? Do I apologize or just keep quiet and let the therapist go on with the massage? It’s embarrassing.

Apologize and say that she is so hot you came by just looking at her. Ask her how much for the full service vaginal intercourse as you would like to cum in her, not all over yourself. Be prepaid with cash.

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How do I politely respond when I get an erection during a massage?

Be upfront before the massage begins by saying something to the effect of “ I would like you to know that there is a chance I may get an erection during this massage and I would like you to know that it not for any sexual reasons”. Or since any good masseuse should know that this type of bodily reaction is possible you may wish to not say anything unless the masseuse mentions it first.

Also, try not to concentrate on not getting an erection since the more you think about it the likelier it is to happen. The best advice I could give is to put the fact you MAY get an erection out of your mind and follow the masseuse’s lead if they say something apologizes but explain again it’s not for sexual reasons.

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